Please Don't "Hit Me with Your Best Shot"

I promise everything I share really does happen to me. Once again, I have replaced names - this time in order to protect not the innocent, but crazy.

One, sunny afternoon almost 6 years ago, Mom called me to say that Harlan James had dropped off a gift for me at her house.

He said, “Mrs. Williams, I had heard that Leigh was going through a divorce, and I wanted to bring her something that I thought might cheer her up.” Mom said she didn’t know what to say or do, so she just thanked him and he left. She laughingly told me to hurry over, because she couldn’t wait to see what it could be.

The mysterious gift was packaged simple, little gift bag and a Hallmark card. When I opened the gift bag, there they were - three, little, stuffed, pink poodles…What was that supposed to mean? The Hallmark card explained their purpose, along with a dissertation on Harlan’s attraction to redheads. Here’s an absurd tidbit from the card:

“Some friends caught me turning down a Pam Anderson look alike back in college for a plain looking red head. The next day they had me admitted to the Murfreesboro Psychiatric Ward. After 6 months of intense experimental treatment, I was released. I still have to see a shrink once a week and take antidepressants 3 times a day, but I’m getting better. The doctors call it Obsessive Compulsive Red Head Attraction Disorder (OCRHAD)."

One Sunday, my mom looked over to the piano at me from the choir and mouthed, “Oh, no!” I didn’t know what she meant until the welcome time and I followed her eyes to yes, you guessed it, Harrlan James. Oh, why had he come here? Harlan followed me to the car…I thanked him for the gift and gently told him that my divorce wasn’t yet final. He just kept talking. I finally said, “Harlan, I’m just not interested.”

For several months I have been working on a video project. The videographer is some kind of creepy guy, but he was hired to do the work and I was forced to work with him. Because my girls were interviewed for the project, he met them. He asked me to bring them over to play with his children the next time I had to go to his studio for editing. Because I thought he was creepy, I made up excuses for their absences. After the last editing meeting in November, he began telling me that he had something he wanted to give my youngest…a stuffed animal that he thought she would like. After a month of doing my best to avoid picking up CDs and other video-related materials from his home, he sent me an e-mail asking if I was going to come by and get the stuff or not. So, I told him I would run by in a hurry on my way home from work.

The closer I got to his driveway the more disturbed I became. It was dark and rainy. His studio was around the back of the house in a converted garage. There were really tall bushes EVERYWHERE. I left the car running, put my phone in my coat pocket and held my finger on the “9” just in case he tried to kill me and bury me in the back yard. He handed me the CDs and other items and then held up the stuffed animal he thought my youngest would like. It was a big, lavender horse. When he held it up, he said, “It just has a few holes and stains, but other than that, it is like new.” For one of the few times in my life, I was speechless. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I mustered out a “thank you,” jumped in my car and drove home. The horse found its stall somewhere close to the poodles’ doghouse in the landfill. You would think that I had been drinking, but of course that would be elephants I would be seeing, not horses or poodles.

I don’t know what it is with me that would make anyone want to give me weird, pastel, stuffed animals. My friend commented, “Hey, at least the guys weren’t afraid to take a shot at you.” After thinking about this I’m pretty sure that the kind of “shot” these crazies would take wouldn’t be anything like the “old college try.” However, I’m pretty sure theirs would be with something that resembled an AR-15, and I doubt it would be pastel or merely a stuffed toy.